Signs

I ran or hiked the Tramway Trail six or seven times, and every time I got lost. Sometimes a lot lost, sometimes a little lost. Until one day, I saw the signs. Signs of direction to stay on the trail. Some were subtle like a small spray painted dot on a rock, and some were more obvious, like the wooden sign on a six foot pole with an arrow pointing one direction, with the words “TRAMWAY TRAIL“. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Every time I was on this trail, I saw the signs, and didn’t take note, but today, I really SAW THE SIGNS. I no longer ignored them taking the direction I thought I should take. It directly correlated to what was going on in my life, more specifically, my relationship. There were so many signs that I ignored. “JEALOUSY” this way. “LIES” that way. “INSECURITY” this way. “EMOTIONAL AND MENTAL ABUSE” follow the arrow. This list of signs goes on and on. And I wondered, why do some of us ignore those signs, not giving up, while others have zero problem cutting ties and high tailing it out?

Pondering all of this, I think back to what my parents taught me, particularly my Dad. Seems that everything he said resonated “have faith, don’t give up”. And with that, he meant on others, your dreams and especially yourself. That is why, when I tell the story of getting into the fire service, particularly with the department I work with now, I say that it took me 14 years to finally get hired with a department I wanted to work for. Fourteen years? Really? Yes, really. I had a job with the government firefighting for 11 of those years, but still tested in other departments. I had a folder two inches thick of paperwork from all the places I tested. And just when I thought I was going to settle for staying in a department that sucked the life out of me, I tried one last time. See, my ex-husband left us, again, our son being 3 months old at the time, and oh, I don’t know, that sorta lit a fire under me. Maybe because I didn’t need approval from him to do something; maybe because I needed that challenge to be the person I use to be before I met him; maybe because the doors were about to open. And they did. I took the written test, passed. Door open. I trained for the agility, passed. Door open. Prepared for the oral board, passed. Door open. Medical evaluation? You got a pulse, your in. Passed. Door open. Why was it so hard to get hired before, and now, on my last try, all the doors opened?

I’ll tell you why. Because it is trying to get through certain doors and avoiding certain signs that make us who we are. I always say that as a firefighter, you can take all the classes and have all the certifications in the world, but that doesn’t make you a good firefighter. Experience makes you a good firefighter. And in life, it is all those doors we tried to force, or signs we ignored, that brings on the experience and makes us who we are. Failure makes us who we are. And sometimes, ignoring the signs and taking your own path is what needs to be done. I did not take, not being hired by all those departments as a sign. I took it as a challenge. And all the signs in my relationship were not signs at the time, it was me not giving up on someone I loved.

Either way I learned, I grew, I evolved. Learning that some things are worth not giving up on.

That being said, I will say, that when all the doors do open, and the signs are pointed in the direction you are traveling, the path you are taking is that much more solid, confirmed,… gratifying. And that, is what makes the frustration of it all worth it. So keep trying to walk through those doors, and don’t forget to “try before you pry”.